The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission  has released federal guidelines with respect to the enforcement of laws protecting pregnant women from discrimination and allowing for their  accommodation in the workplace.  The new guidelines are as follows:

 

  1. An employer may not ask a post-menopausal obese woman her due date even if it’s funny.
  2. Pregnant women must be allowed as many breaks to the bathroom as necessary to pee, vomit and cry for no reason.
  3. A pregnant woman may have as many fans at her desk as are necessary to keep her from becoming a sweat hog.
  4. A pregnant woman is required to wear flat shoes so as not to create a tipping hazard. Bad puns also will be frowned upon.
  5. An employer may only touch a pregnant woman’s midsection to determine if the fetus is moving. He may not ask “Is that baby alive?”
  6. Baby showers at the office are to be limited to 1 hour and anyone who attends without adequate oos and ahs when the gifts are opened will not be permitted her own baby shower regardless of pregnancy or adoption.
  7. Reading materials on a pregnant woman’s desk are to be limited to “How to Return to Work Before You Deliver the Placenta”.
  8.  Women who have been pregnant before may not discuss their own labor and delivery because it is boring.
  9. New mothers returning to work may bring in newborns to breastfeed as long as the entire process takes place under an opaque dome.
  10. A pregnant woman may not accuse the employer of fathering the child, especially if he did. A brief, pleasant conversation with his wife will suffice.

pregnant employee

 

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Joan Weisblatt

Joan left the practice of law after thirty years when the comedian inside her could no longer be contained. While in practice, she defended companies in asbestos litigation and hopes that she did not breathe in the trial exhibits. She performs in clubs and at fundraisers throughout New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Before joining Comedians at Law, Joan was named Comedians at Law Idol following a contest in which she successfully begged and pleaded with friends and family members to vote for her. Joan has been featured in the following New Jersey publications: The Star Ledger, The Princeton Packet and The Montgomery Sun.

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